Yesterday and Tomorrow

I could never have dreamt in Aeons of time that I would become a Garbage Wife.

There’s such a deepening burden in my heart for others like me to be restored to wholeness and hope. For the ragged hole in the center of each heart that’s been ripped open, to be expertly stitched closed by the precious Spirit of God; for each of us so tormented to become fruitful and faithful to our families without bitterness of soul. I thought, like you perhaps, that when I made my vows they would stand firm forever. “Until death us do part.” I must confess that sometimes I prayed for death to part us; during the deep and long years of turmoil, with somehow unfixable and unrelenting problems. My longed-for unity seemed as distant as the Moon. “Why can’t we…as a couple… be peaceable and pure?” I would bemoan. “My yesterdays can’t be undone, and my tomorrows aren’t here yet. I only have today to live. And live I shall!” I rehearsed that last line. I have this verse inscribed on the inside cover of my Bible that my friend BettyAnn shared with me then:

“I SHALL NOT DIE, BUT LIVE!” Psalm 118:17

At times I agonize in the silent recesses of my mind, realizing the epic failures of past days and years. “If only’s’‘can come heaping upon the platter I dreamt would be laden with delicate morsels. I know now that I must choose to replace that particular array of “appe-teasers'”on that plate of regret. Instead of those, I have to daily choose to dine on the choicest, solid food for my soul. Every time the platter of ‘if only’s’ is presented to my minds eye, I only find One person to fill my deepest longing for satiation within my inner heart. His name is Jesus.

Not wishing to rehearse my sins, but instead, to lay out on the table a healthy serving of hope to anyone interested in going further up and further in. I invite you to travel with me. Let’s discover together the delicacies at a table spread before us that is entirely rich with good things. Truths that are tasty, fragrant, spicy and savory. If only I would’ve taken a cooking course on life before I began this so-to-speak culinary journey. You see, I’m not discussing foods particularly. I’m using this as a figure of speech for life in the trenches; for when I was surviving through the agony of being a forsaken and abandoned wife. The ‘if only’ thoughts came in like a flood washing over my soul as my eyes spilled salty tears; suddenly rushing into rivulets, dropping off my chin, puddling onto the floor beneath my twisted face. If you also have been broken by abandonment, been forsaken in love, left after the altar of commitment, thrown out or unloved; you understand the deliverance of this soliloquy. It seemed like death was a good option at that precise moment in time.

“Please, won’t you kill me Lord? Just cause my breath to be stilled. I don’t want to breathe or tomorrow to awaken. It hurts too much to continue on.”

Everything in me wanted to stand still. I was paralyzed in fear. But I wasn’t the One who gave myself breath to breathe, so how could I snuff out my own?

The caverns of disappointment I’ve been hurled into have proven to be faithful friends to my soul. If it were not for these times, I would be quite shallow and easily moved from steadiness in my walk of faith. The only One who could hold me close enough to feel my heart beating within my chest, was Him. Remembering these days are now sweetest joy to me, but I won’t forget what ushered those moments in.